Party girls and too much sex: Why some Indian men seek divorce

India still has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world, but marriage breakdowns are becoming more common.

Experts say most cases of divorce in India are filed on the grounds of abuse, or what's legally termed as "cruelty". But what amounts to abuse has long been open to debate, especially when determining whether psychological trauma has been afflicted on a person during marriage.

The Supreme Court has said there cannot be any "strait-jacket formula or fixed parameters for determining mental cruelty in matrimonial matters".

Because of its wide legal definition, Indian courts have had to rule on a host of bizarre interpretations of what constitutes non-physical abuse. Atish Patel shares a few of the more unlikely examples.

Party pooper

Sex machine
Fashion police
Acne 'trauma'
'Hostile hospitality'
Going back even further, in 1985 the Allahabad high court in an appeal hearing upheld a lower court's decision that the refusal by a woman to make tea for her husband's friends had left him humiliated and along with other factors, including her decision to terminate a pregnancy without his knowledge, amounted to mental abuse and acceptable grounds for divorce.

Last week, the Bombay high court overturned a family court ruling from 2011 that granted divorce to a sailor who claimed his wife's regular partying, among other things, was a form of abuse.

The court observed that the 42-year-old man, who married his wife in 1999, was also in the "habit of enjoying parties", and therefore could not conclude that the woman had subjected the man to cruelty, either physically or mentally.

"He is not entitled for a decree of divorce on the ground of cruelty," the court said.

While overturning the lower court's ruling, Bombay high court Justice ML Tahaliyani noted: "Socialising to some extent in the present society is permissible."

A sexless marriage is a common trigger for divorce globally. But last year, a man in Mumbai (formerly known as Bombay) wanted to divorce his wife because of too much sex.

In his petition, the man described his wife as having an "excessive and insatiable appetite for sex" ever since their marriage in April 2012, according to a report by the Press Trust of India news agency.

He alleged that she would force him to have sex, even at times when he was sick, and threatened to sleep with other men when he refused.

He said his wife's "cruel behaviour" and her "adamant, aggressive, stubborn and autocratic" nature had made it difficult for him to live with her.

Last year a family court in Mumbai ruled in the husband's favour and granted a divorce after his wife failed to appear before the court, with the husband's evidence remaining unchallenged, the news report said.

In another case, a man sought a divorce from his wife on the grounds of cruelty in part because of her dress sense.

The man, in his 30s and married since 2009, was reportedly anguished by his wife's decision to often wear shirts and trousers to her workplace instead of traditional Indian clothing.

A family court passed a divorce order three years ago, but in March last year, the Bombay high court overturned it.

"The door of cruelty cannot be opened so wide, otherwise divorce will have to be granted in every case of incompatibility of temperament," the court ruled.

Arranged marriages remain common in India but the reason one man gave for wanting to end his union was far from usual - he complained of being traumatised by his wife's acne problem.

In his divorce petition, he argued that the pimples and boils on his wife's face prevented him from consummating their marriage during their honeymoon in 1998.

Ruling in favour of the husband in 2002, a family court in Mumbai said the "repulsive condition of the wife is undoubtedly tragic for the wife but this is traumatic for the spouse".

The court added: "The woman played a fraud on him by not disclosing the fact that she had a [skin] disease."

The ruling came despite the wife's doctor telling the court her skin condition was treatable and would not negatively affect their sex life.

Although skin diseases like acne are not legally recognised as grounds for divorce, under India's Hindu Marriage Act - which applies to 80% of the country's population who consider themselves Hindu - leprosy or a "venereal disease in a communicable form", including HIV-Aids or hepatitis B, can be grounds to end a marriage.

How to Compliment a Woman

There’s only one right way to compliment a woman: freely, with no expectation that she’ll give us anything in return for it. There’s only one place a genuine compliment arises from: genuine appreciation of whatever gift she’s giving to the world in this moment. Whether that gift be her radiant femininity, her intelligence, her presence, her physical beauty, her smile, her cleverness, her strength, her love. Whatever she is offering the world in this moment, a compliment is well-suited to tell a woman that her presence is genuinely 
When a man can offer a woman such an acknowledgment, freely and sincerely with no expectation of anything in return from her, everyone feels great. Acknowledging and appreciating beauty in the world is a pleasure, in and of itself. Unfortunately, too many men only compliment women when they want something from her: a smile, acknowledgment, validation, a phone number, sex, feminine energy, whatever, anything. That video of a woman walking through the streets of New York, approached, followed, harassed, catcalled, propositioned, objectified more than 10 times every hour … it’s only ugly to us because we immediately get that all those men want something from her that she doesn’t want to offer them, and they don’t care that she feels uncomfortable in their presence. Their selfish, narcissistic disregard for her well-being offends us. Can you imagine being constantly approached by total strangers who want something from you, who are physically stronger than you and would almost surely take what they want if they thought they could get away with it? It isn’t just city-street men who make women feel uncomfortable in public. I was in Starbucks yesterday when I saw a well-to-do 50-something-year-old man and a Starbucks employee start impishly elbowing each other in that way adolescent boys do when an attractive woman walked in the store. I felt nauseous, myself, just watching these two grown men mentally gang-bang her as she waited to order a latté. ♦◊♦ Men, we have no idea how powerful we truly are, or where our authentic power resides. We tend to think our power is in our sheer force of will. Our persistence. Our insistence. Our cleverness. Our anger. Our testicles. Yes, there’s power in those places. We use them constantly to persist, coerce, manipulate, shame, berate, and cajole women into giving us what we want. Then we wonder why so many women have a hard time trusting most men. But that’s not where we’re most powerful. A man’s true power is in his heart. How is he holding the world? How does he hold women? Is he only holding the world and women as objects in his mind, in which case he’s going to use both as tools to enhance his ego stature? Such a man will use the limited battery power contained in his will, in his persistence and cleverness, anger and his testicles to get whatever he wants from the world and from women. Even if he has to manipulate, exploit, coerce, or oppress them. Such a man will tend to create a lot of collateral damage as he constantly maneuvers to sustain his flickering power.
Unfortunately, too many men only compliment women when they want something from her: a smile, acknowledgment, validation, a phone number, sex, feminine energy, whatever, anything. That video of a woman walking through the streets of New York, approached, followed, harassed, catcalled, propositioned, objectified more than 10 times every hour … it’s only ugly to us because we immediately get that all those men want something from her that she doesn’t want to offer them, and they don’t care that she feels uncomfortable in their presence. Their selfish, narcissistic disregard for her well-being offends us. Can you imagine being constantly approached by total strangers who want something from you, who are physically stronger than you and would almost surely take what they want if they thought they could get away with it? It isn’t just city-street men who make women feel uncomfortable in public. I was in Starbucks yesterday when I saw a well-to-do 50-something-year-old man and a Starbucks employee start impishly elbowing each other in that way adolescent boys do when an attractive woman walked in the store. I felt nauseous, myself, just watching these two grown men mentally gang-bang her as she waited to order a latté. ♦◊♦ Men, we have no idea how powerful we truly are, or where our authentic power resides. We tend to think our power is in our sheer force of will. Our persistence. Our insistence. Our cleverness. Our anger. Our testicles. Yes, there’s power in those places. We use them constantly to persist, coerce, manipulate, shame, berate, and cajole women into giving us what we want. Then we wonder why so many women have a hard time trusting most men. But that’s not where we’re most powerful. A man’s true power is in his heart. How is he holding the world? How does he hold women? Is he only holding the world and women as objects in his mind, in which case he’s going to use both as tools to enhance his ego stature? Such a man will use the limited battery power contained in his will, in his persistence and cleverness, anger and his testicles to get whatever he wants from the world and from women. Even if he has to manipulate, exploit, coerce, or oppress them. Such a man will tend to create a lot of collateral damage as he constantly maneuvers to sustain his flickering power.
However, a man connected to his heart is a man who radiates power like the sun. He will hold both the world and women with appreciation and respect for their beauty, their life-giving force, their innate mysterious wisdom and infinite gift of love energy. Such a man will treat a woman completely differently: he won’t expect her to return his gift of appreciation and cherishing, though he’ll certainly welcome it when she offers it freely. He’ll experience an authentic power beyond measure. That may be a bit poetic, but consider that a feminine woman actually wants her beauty appreciated by men. She enhances her physical appearance with jewelry, make-up, perfume, and attractive clothing so that she will be noticed and appreciated. A man in his heart will absolutely appreciate a woman’s beauty, and he can express that appreciation in all kinds of ways that won’t make her feel uncomfortable. He can even enjoy in her presence the sexual charge that rises in his body like that electric tingle in summer air before a thunderstorm—without making her feel like she has to do something about it. She may not want to do anything about it for him, and he’ll be ok with that because he holds her in his heart. Concern for her well-being is primary in his heart. And she’ll feel that. She’ll instinctively trust him because of it. A new world is born. Because she trusts him, a woman may open to a man even more in the presence of a genuine compliment, like a beautiful flower opening to the sun, eager to offer its hidden gift to the world. She loves being deeply appreciated, cherished, and a genuine compliment communicates this to her. This is the power of real love. Only a man in his heart can access such power. 
Still, a man in his heart doesn’t ask anything in return for his compliments, not even acknowledgment. For he knows she might not give it, but only because we have a lot of collective work to do earn women’s collective trust back. And we men do have a lot of collective work to do to earn back women’s trust. Women have been mishandled daily for ages, in the streets, at the office, in their homes, by their friends and acquaintances and strangers, by too many men disconnected from their hearts and so challenged to see beyond merely the advantages a woman can offer them. We men can be thoughtful about that. We can still give women compliments, too, which they surely welcome as long as we don’t demand anything in return. When we offer a genuine compliment to a woman, we simply offer a gift: our pure appreciation. As we feel great in the giving, everyone wins.